I turned around and looked my four-year-old daughter in the eye. “Your hair is not fuzzy,” I said, “You have princess hair.” And then I sighed.

Afro hair has a long history of being denigrated. Throughout the ages, natural hair has been viewed as unruly, unprofessional, unmanageable, and ultimately undesirable. Unfortunately, these misconceptions are still perpetuated today. Black women are frequently bombarded with messages that communicate that “good” hair is synonymous with straight hair.

Advancements in technology and science have made straight hair increasingly more accessible. The invention of the hot comb provided women with a means to temporarily achieve straight hair. After this, came the introduction of relaxers. These relaxers were chemical concoctions that were used to permanently change the structure of the hair. In so doing, they offered women a more enduring solution to the “problem” of natural hair.

The idea that straight hair is superior to afro hair is rooted in antiquity. For generations, women have been told, both directly and implicitly, that getting ahead in life requires them to have straight hair. Around the time that the hot comb was popularised, having straight hair was often the difference between whether a woman was employed or not.  The texture of a woman’s hair greatly influenced the way she was perceived and the opportunities she was afforded.  In Apartheid South Africa, the texture of a person’s hair and whether it could withstand the infamous pencil test, had life changing ramifications. The common sentiment that hair is just hair was not true then and it is not true now.

History is littered with examples of women losing their jobs and experiencing micro-aggressions due to the way society received their natural hair. This discrimination is not limited to adults. In recent times, there have been numerous cases of children being punished by schools because they dared to wear their hair naturally.

So, when Karen tells my daughter that her hair is fuzzy her words ring deep. I can forgive six-year-old Karen because she’s a little girl surrounded by lots of people with “non-fuzzy” hair. I’m not angry at Karen. I sighed because her words are painted against a backdrop of hair bias that sees afro hair as inferior to straight hair.

In many ways, hair speaks to our past, our present and our future. The way we perceive our hair is closely related to the way we view ourselves. The extent to which we are able to embrace who we truly are correlates to how we think about our hair.

Despite the negative depictions of natural hair, in the 1960s wearing an afro became cool. Back then, wearing an afro was more than a low maintenance hairstyle; it was a symbol of self-acceptance. To rock an afro was to reject social norms and other people’s expectations about what constitutes “good” hair. It was a way of saying, “I am proud of who I am. I don’t need to hide or alter my hair in a bid to subscribe to someone else’s perception of beauty. I love my hair because I love myself.”

When I see images from that era of men and women wearing their natural hair with pride, a part of me marvels. In many ways the Black is Beautiful Movement that empowered black people to celebrate their natural hair in the 1960s, is reminiscent of the modern-day Natural Hair Movement. The two movements share a lot of the same sentiments but it seems to me that more was at stake back then. At that time, there were few afro wearing celebrities featured in the mainstream media that black people could glean inspiration from.  This lack of representation reinforced the message that rocking an afro was neither proper nor beautiful. The afro was deemed to be unacceptable. Yet, black people were able to love themselves enough to make bold declarations of self-acceptance and celebrate their natural hair anyway.

And, this reminds me that even in the midst of great oppression, self-acceptance is still possible. It is indeed possible to stand tall in the face of hostility. So, although my daughter lives in a world where her hair is viewed as inferior to that of her white counterparts, she can learn to cherish her God-given hair and regard it as a splendid crown.

So, the issue becomes less about what young Karen thinks about the texture of my daughter’s hair and more about helping my daughter see herself as beautiful. Then, the micro-aggressions of every Karen out there will fade into oblivion. When my daughter views herself through the correct lenses, she will love her hair and every other part of her body. She needs to know her worth and value. We all do.

In a world that has not yet fully awoken to the fact that beauty comes in a variety of hues and hair textures, how exactly can us parents teach our children to love and celebrate themselves? I don’t purport to be a parenting expert but I’ll share a few messages I’m seeking to engrave on the hearts of my children:

1. “You are special”:  I constantly remind my children that they are valuable. I want them all to be convinced that they are precious. I tell my daughters that they are Princesses so they know that they important and worthy of respect.
2. “You are beautiful”: I tell my girls this often. Their hair, their noses, their eyes, their hands every part of their body is beautiful just because. They don’t need to search for validation or conform to someone else’s standard of beauty.
3. “You are loved”:  I want my children to know that they are loved regardless of what they look like, regardless of their hair texture, and regardless of any made up standard of beauty. They are loved with no strings attached. Home is a place where love and acceptance is not dependent on the way they look.
4. “People that look like you can achieve greatness”: I always try to draw my kids’ attention to “successful” people with hair and skin like theirs. I want them to know that people that look like them can be found in a plethora of top professions and can progress to the higher tiers of the workplace. I help them to see that people that look like them can be leaders and innovators.

I’ve found diverse toys and books to be extremely helpful towards this aim. The importance of representation has been extensively documented. It’s helpful for children to see themselves reflected in the books they read and the toys they play with. Representation improves self-esteem, increases confidence, and reminds children of what’s possible. You can find a fantastic collection of diverse toys and books here.

I’m convinced that words have power. I grew up hearing my dad tell me that I can do anything. “It’s not beyond you,” he would say.  He repeated these words until they became somewhat of a mantra. To this day, I still hear my Father’s words ringing in my ears. Many a time they have helped me refocus and reminded me of the potency that’s buried within me.

So, it is my hope that as I speak these words of truth to my children, they too will be reminded of who they are and reject the biases that tell them that what they have to offer is not good enough. Then, they too will stand tall in the face of hostility, fully embracing the people they were created to be.

The post Afro Hair History: How to Raise Kids That Love Themselves appeared first on Our Kids Trove.

Tell me about yourself.

I’m an attorney. I studied law in New York and took the New York bar. I worked for an international law firm in Manhattan for a few years and that’s where I met my husband. Since coming to Austria, I do consulting work, usually for international organisations. I was off of work for a few years because of my kids being back-to-back but now since a year and half ago I’ve been back into the workforce with the consulting.

And, you speak German, right?

I learned to speak German here. A lot of people ask, “Oh, so you must have studied it in high school or in college.” No, I couldn’t even say basic things because I remember when I was dating my husband and he would say things or talk with his friends in German. I was just like, “Oh, there’s no way!” I learned Spanish in the States but I was like, “German is just not going to work.” It was a challenge to learn the language but now I’m fluent and I actually also work in German.

What are some of the challenges associated with living in Austria?                                     

I’m originally from Michigan but I studied in New York which is a very diverse place and it’s very international. Even in Michigan, where I’m from, there’s a lot of black people. In Austria, that’s just not the case at all. I grew up in a lot of white spaces in school and also when I was an attorney at the law firm that I worked at. But It was different because there was always a group of black people or people of colour that you could kind of talk with and be with. And, you would see it. You’d see black people on the news. You’d see black doctors. Like, my mother was a business woman

Coming to Austria especially seven years ago you just didn’t see any of that. You only saw negative things. So, you would see signs during Christmas of black people from Africa who needed help. I didn’t even realise how that affected me until we were out with a group of friends and someone made a comment about African nations needing so much help. I was like, “Actually, there are many thriving people and businesses in Africa.” And then the person looked at me like I was an alien because it was always in their face, all these negative images and negative programming.

So, that’s been a challenge. Although, I’ve been fighting against that and working to bring awareness to positive images of black people in Austria. And I’ve been doing that since my time here and now it’s coming on a public forum more.

How exactly have you been fighting against these negative perceptions of black people?

So, I’m working with one of the largest libraries in Vienna to help them diversify their base and increase their collection of diverse books. Also, in my kids school just being there, representing, showing up, being active and taking roles.

My Instagram stories play a big role too. They’re a way to showcase positivity. So, people can keep having these positive reinforcements to negate the negative ones that are so prevalent. I want to show black people not just doing the stereotypical black people stuff that people want to throw at you all the time

Yeah, that was interesting when you showed a video of you skiing. You got quite a lot of comments based on that, didn’t you?

Oh, wow yes! Comments like, “Oh, it’s so cool. I didn’t know black people could ski.” They call it microaggression. But again, it goes to deeper things. I often wonder, do people not understand that black people are just like them. We have legs, we can learn to ski if we choose. We are just as human as everyone else.

Do you think it’s harmful for your kids to grow up in a society where they aren’t represented? Because, I had the same thing when my kids lived in China so I just wanted to hear your take on it.

My daughter is the only black girl in her class and I think in the whole school there might be like one other. So, yes, I’ve thought about this and we have had conversations about whether or not to move her to a more diverse school. Then I get back to the point that we’re in a homogeneous society here in Austria, and that’s just a fact. So, that’s not going to really do much.

I think the most important thing is that we spend our summers in America. Also, the church that we go to is very diverse. So, I feel like I give here experiences and representations with people of colour and black people in the ways that I can and also in diverse books.

I think about this often. I grew up in a community that was black but the school my mum chose to send me to was mostly white. But I was able to get the representation from my family, through everything. Here, I have to be intentional with this. It’s not just going to come like it did in the States. In America, I feel like it’s in your face that black people are everything that white people are, from doctors to whatever. Here you have to be intentional about it.

So, you think a black child can thrive even if they live in a society surrounded by white people as long as their parents are intentional about getting that representation for them?

Exactly, 100% I believe that. That’s what I’m striving to do. I’m trying to be intentional and also confront things when they happen.  I chose to live here and I chose to raise my children here, so I have to do more of the work to allow a better situation for my kids and the kids to come that are of colour. I have to. That’s how I feel.

I have three children who are very young. I have to bring what I feel is right to the table. I can’t just shrink and say, “Well, it’s not my native country and it’s not my language so I have to adapt and adjust to things that are wrong.” When things are unjust, I have to speak out. That’s just in my DNA. I cannot not call out inequality, especially if it’s right in my face.

That’s really interesting because a lot of the times when I was in China, because I’m kind of that way as well, people would say, “but you chose to be here.” Almost like, “This is how things are. If you don’t like it leave. It’s not your place to try and change this country.” So, what do you think about that? Is there an element of truth there?

As humans, as a collective we’re always trying to do better and what happened with the Black Lives Matter movement and after the killing of George Floyd, there was a universal acknowledgement that we have to do better. For instance, the Black Lives Matter march, the first one in Austria, they thought there would be maybe 1,000 people. More than 50,000 people showed up for that march and the majority of them were white people. So, this new generation also wants change. They don’t want to follow hurtful and racist norms any longer.

I understand trying to respect the culture and I think that’s a valid argument in many ways but when it comes to hurting me, making other people feel a certain way based upon the colour of their skin, we have to do better and you have to push people forward. I understand the preservation of culture in certain ways but when that preservation is basically derogatory or racial injustice to another group of people that has to be called out by any means necessary.

Do they receive your correction, your insight as a black woman? What sort of response do you get?

It’s mixed. I think because I speak German now, they receive it but if I would of spoken to them in English about it maybe not because it would have been received as this foreigner comes in and she doesn’t even have the respect to learn the language and then she’s trying to tell us something.

There’s always going to be people who aren’t going to receive me because I’m a woman or because I’m black. I’m not going to get through to those people. The people I’m trying to reach are those who really don’t want to be hateful and are “blissfully” ignorant. They don’t have any experience with any people of colour and they just don’t know. Real change comes when you educate people and then they have the choice to work out their own bias or not work it out. Some people just want to remain ignorant. And that’s on them.

I’ve heard you talk about the mirror and the window metaphor. Can you explain a bit about that?

It’s so important that children see themselves represented in books. As a parent living in a predominately white, homogenous culture the diverse books have been a tool for me that I’ve utilised to instil self-confidence.  A mirror is a story that reflects your own culture and helps you build your identity. That’s why for my kids when they see brown people, when they see interracial families in books, they build their identity and they feel confident. The window is a resource that offers a view into someone else’s experience. And it’s critical to understand, for students and children, that they cannot truly learn about themselves unless they also learn about others because we live in a global world. You do a disservice to your children when you don’t showcase them other cultures.

Do you think there are some diverse books that are more needed than others?

Even with Black history month, some of the books that are shown by some book bloggers, specifically white book bloggers, are always pressing the issue of slavery and reminding us of our history with slavery. Some of the books that I’ve seen promoted in the last weeks are discouraging because they don’t even talk about stories of triumph. They just focus on slavery. That’s part of our history but, for black people in America, that’s not where we started. We didn’t start as slaves. Our history was from Africa and we were taken and things were thrust upon us but we didn’t start there.

I think the books that should be promoted more and given more love and praise and winning the awards should be the diverse books about black people doing everyday things in positive situations.

When you break it down, this is the reason we still have so many injustices because people are always seeing black bodies and black representation with trauma attached to it and that’s not where we want to be. We don’t want to fall into this area where white people are comfortable. We want to get them comfortable with us riding a bike or seeing our grandmother in a story.

So, what would you say to the white person who has seen all that’s happened since George Floyd and the Black Lives Matter movement and they want to help but they feel powerless because they’re like, “If I post a black square people will say its tokenism. If I don’t, they’ll say I don’t care. And, I want to write this caption for an Instagram post but it might be misconstrued.” They want to help but they don’t know how to because sometimes it feels like there’s a lot of backlash if it’s done wrong. So, is there a “wrong” way to help?

I feel empathy towards people like this because there’s so much information out there and also a lot of conflicting information. There are so many people who I’ve spoken to who feel not only white guilt but they also white shame. They feel shame about being born white. That’s not right either.

My advice to white people who want to do the work of rooting out bias and hate is to really do the work inwardly. You don’t have to always post about it or do an Instagram story. The real work is done where no one sees. That might mean picking up a book and figuring things out. It could also be reflecting on the way you’ve treated certain black people.

Do that work inside first and then if you feel led to post, do it. Don’t feel pressured by others to post and don’t post just because it’s trending on Instagram because then that comes off as fake and it’s not genuine. Also, if you do post and it’s genuine don’t listen to people that are just trying to pick at you because there are always going to be haters. There’s always going to be people that are bad in every group trying to stir up stuff.

I read on one of your posts something about you saying you grandmother could never have imagined that you would be living the life you’re living in Austria. Can you speak a bit more about that?

My grandmother grew up in the South under Jim Crow laws. They had the white fountains, white bathrooms. And now my kids are able to have these experiences; my grandmother would just be like, “Is this even possible?”.  My daughter plays the violin and I took her to a summer violin camp. She was the only black girl. They were playing and I was crying. At that moment I could really feel my blackness but in a way that was from my ancestors and from everyone being like this is what we wanted. This is what we fought for. So that you could just have a daughter who happens to be black, playing the violin with other kids and no one is saying anything about the colour.

What impact do you think your diverse book content is having?

In my community in Austria there has been actual change from me working with different organisations and in schools and that has happened from my Instagram page on diverse books.

Also, every week I receive different messages from people saying this book really helped my daughter or thank you so much for creating this content and sharing lots of diverse books. My reason for doing it hasn’t changed from when I started- to hopefully bring awareness and appreciation. The big goal is that one day these books will just be seen as kid’s books, not as “diverse” books. And, seeing a black child in your book getting some ice-cream with Nana won’t be such a big deal it will just be how it is.

Connect with Danica and discover more diverse books on the Diverse Kids Lit Instagram page.

The post Diverse Books for Kids: Thriving in a Homogeneous Society and Daring to Challenge Racism appeared first on Our Kids Trove.

Belinda is the epitome of perseverance. Keep reading to hear her inspiring story of what it means to be a pioneer and how she helped her business overcome the setbacks associated with the lockdown restrictions.

What did you do before you started Marli’s kitchen?

I used to work in the fashion industry as a buyer. It was something that I always wanted to do. After University, I got a job working for one of the biggest high street stores. I worked my way up to a buyer. Then in 2008, I became a mum and that was my best job.

How did becoming a Mother change things?

I got a lot out of being a mum and I wanted to dial back on work and spend more time with my daughter. And also, that was when I really started thinking more seriously about becoming an entrepreneur and starting my own business.

When Marli came along I started working part-time. I worked a three day week in a little company. It was still in fashion buying but it just meant that I could be a mum. And, around the time Marli was born my mum got quite sick so I see it as a blessing that I was able to spend time with her as well. She was quite ill with cancer. And about five or six years after that my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. So, I was like a carer for him.

What sparked your interest in becoming vegan?

It started when my mum got sick. We only knew she had cancer a week before she died because she wouldn’t tell us. And, she had pancreatic cancer so it’s one of those where the transition from her being sick to her passing away was quite quick.  It was around that time that I went down a real deep dive looking into things you can do to not get cancer.

My mum, she didn’t smoke, she didn’t drink alcohol, she was relatively healthy, she made sure she ate her vegetables. It just didn’t make sense to me that she would get cancer. I sort of just did a really deep dive into what things you can do to prevent cancer or give your body a fighting chance to beat cancer. A lot of the information that I found, like scientific information, really pointed to the benefits of a vegan diet. So, this is the stuff that I wish I could have spoken to my mum about when she was alive. It was then that I went vegan and really started trying to persuade my dad to eat more vegetables.

Why did you start Marli’s Kitchen?

My Dad passed away in 2017 and Marli at the time was about ten. So, she was a lot more independent and able to entertain herself. So, it was almost like my time for me to do something that I’d always dreamed of and that was starting my own business. So, I started laying the groundwork to do that.

Why did you decide to start a vegan business? Why not a fashion related business?

It was something that I was really interested in and really passionate about. I’d read so much about it. When I was thinking about what business I could start for myself, it had to be focused around this new thing that I was really interested in. And also, a gap that I felt that I could fill. For people like me who grew up eating meat everyday and might be craving an alternative like vegan fried chicken. So, that’s where the brainchild for Marli’s kitchen came along.

When did you launch Marli’s Kitchen?

I did my first market in February 2018. I can honestly say it was one of the most exciting and best things that I have ever done. That first market, it was snowing. I think it was like one-degree. Marli was with me and my partner, Danny. They helped me set up and sort out my wares.

And, customers came in the snow and they bought. It was so exciting just to see everything I’d planned and worked on come to fruition and customers liking what I did. And from then, it was such a buzz that I knew that I wanted to keep on doing it.

How did you balance your business with employment?

I was still working part-time at the time. So, I committed to doing the market twice a month. The more I did it, the more people knew I was going to be there and they’d ask for me. I built up a really nice, loyal set of customers.

And then there was a festival that they did in Tottenham, that was crazy. They had a stage there and so many people came down and I finally made quite a bit of money. Then I was like, “OK, I think I’m on to something.”

So, I kept plodding away; still very much part-time. Then I did a massive festival in Walthamstow. It was over two days and quite a big pitch fee. When I sat down and did my numbers I was like, “In order for this to work, I need to sell hundreds of portions a day.” I make all the seitan myself (the mock meat that I sell) so I had to make like five hundred portions.

It was a bit of a baptism of fire. Everything that could go wrong went wrong but that was the market when I came back and I’d made a lot of money. That festival allowed me to buy my van, upgrade my equipment and from there I decided that next summer I was going to focus on getting into bigger festivals.             

At what point did you decide to go full-time?

There’s this company called Kerb. They have this incubator scheme where they give you a pitch in their lunchtime market during the week and they mentor you. In August 2019, I got asked to be part of Kerb. I then had to make the decision to do Marli’s Kitchen full-time because it was during the week. I wasn’t able to work during the week at my job so I decided to quit my job and do Kerb during the week and then do markets at the weekend. It was all Marli’s kitchen from then.

You’re not doing lunch time markets at the moment. How has your business adapted?

There is no lunchtime market trade in central London now. Everybody is working from home. Lockdown has completely killed street food markets in central London during the week. As you can imagine, I was like, “Oh no!” I remember in March I was frantically trying to get back into what I was doing before I started Marli’s Kitchen but no one was hiring. So, I was like, “Ok, this is my bed. What can I do?” When it happened, I was really quite quickly able to be like, “Ok, what else can I do?”

And, do you remember going to the shops when all the shelves were bare and people were fighting over toilet roll and there were massive queues outside? I was like, “Well, I know there’s a demand for vegan meat because I can’t find any in the shops. And my speciality is making it.” So that’s when I decided to sell my vegan fried chicken directly to customers and deliver it to their homes.

So, I put a shout out on my Instagram and said, “Guys, I’m thinking of doing this, what do you think?” I had so many comments coming back like, “Yes, yes, do it, do it, I’ll buy, I’ll buy I’ll buy!” So, the next week I just basically said, “Everyone DM me. This is what I’m offering.”  It was just this one thing. A six pack of vegan fried chicken. I was like, “It’s chilled and ready to go into your freezer for you to eat at your leisure. You’ve been craving vegan fried chicken, I’ve got you.” I had loads of orders come through from that.

What month was that?

That was the week after lockdown.

You were on the ball!

Yeah, because I needed the money. Like I said the markets had pretty much gone dead since February and it was like, “I need income, I need some money coming in.” I wasn’t eligible for furlough. I wasn’t eligible for any grant. So, I was just like, “Ok’, let me just get on it and be positive about it so that anything that I put my mind to is going to be successful.” So, I gave it a good shot. Customers that I knew, I sent them a DM and said, “I can drop off some food if you like.” I was just being as proactive as possible in terms of drumming up business.

It was such a blessing because it kept me busy. I was cooking two days a week. I got to drive around to drop off food. I actually got to interact with other people.  And, because I was just like, “I want money,” I was prepared to drive anywhere. If you wanted to place an order with me, I’d go there and drop the food off for you. I literally drove like thousands of miles in a very short space of time. And everything just snowballed from there. I then went into meal kits to widen the offer and I’ve not looked back really.

What’s something you’re proud of?

It’s a whole new thing for me, selling food online. It was born pretty much in 2020.  Who would have thought that mainstream businesses would be sending meals through the post. It was not a thing. It became a thing in 2020 and I was part of that. And, I was one of the pioneers really. I jumped on that quite quickly. That’s definitely something that I’m proud of.

It meant that subsequent lockdowns people had me at the forefront of their minds. Because they were like, “I remember Marli’s Kitchen. That was our special treat over lockdown.” So many people were like, “You were like the beacon of light in lockdown.” I was their special dinner treat or weekend treat for them to look forward to.

What drives you?

With me, one of the things that was driving me, was knowing that I was a pioneer. Knowing that I was a part of something new, knowing that I was leading the way for people to come behind me. That really kept me going. Knowing that I’m like one of the first companies out there to sell vegan fried chicken on the streets. I’m so proud of that; so, so, so proud of that.

I think that’s definitely one of my top pieces of advice. Your business is going to take up so much of your head space. It has to be something that you can see the why in. There has to be a really good why. If you work on something you’re passionate about it won’t feel so much like work.

I’ve seen you trading alongside your daughter at markets, what do you hope she gets out of it?

I think I’m showing her a really good work ethic because come rain come shine, if you know you’ve got to do something, you do it. Sometimes, the day comes and I’m like, “I don’t wanna go.” And, then I shake myself and I’m like “Get on with it!” And, I suppose she is my inspiration because I want to be a good role model for her.

And, nothing good in life comes easy. I don’t think I’ve ever had anything that I truly valued without having to work for it. And, I think that’s definitely what I’ve got out of Marli’s Kitchen. The satisfaction of knowing you worked your ass off and the good things you will get out of that hard work are well deserved and you’ve earned it.

Marli’s Kitchen: https://www.marliskitchen.co.uk

The post Vegan Fried Chicken and Being a Trailblazer appeared first on Our Kids Trove.

I recently had the pleasure of catching up with Kemi to discuss how parents can invest in their children’s mental health. Our conversation was punctuated with reminders of the challenges of working from home with kids in tow and culminated with my son managing to disconnect the internet. Despite the disturbances, Kemi provided incredible insight and I for one left our conversation feeling uplifted and empowered.  

Let’s get straight to the point. How can parents help their children feel loved?

Wow. I would say keep it simple. Go back to the basics. There are a lot of tips and strategies and parenting ideas out there but all children really need is you. And really, in order for you to be present for them you need to be a little bit selfish and look after yourself. So, they don’t need stressed out, or burned out you, or overwhelmed you. They need you and they need you to be present in the moment. So, do what you need to do to be ok, and to feel confident, and less tired. I’m not saying you will never be tired; you’re a parent. But look after yourself and just be present.

Also, play with them and that’s in short bursts. I can only do ten minutes at a time. And my children know that. They get one-to-one play, 100% of my attention and then I might go on to do another task. So, ten minutes a day that really isn’t anything and that builds up the connection

And talk about your feelings. Talk about how you’re feeling and then they see that you’re not trying to supress and hide anything.

The ten-minute-play-thing, that’s really helpful so how do you structure that into your day? 

For me personally, it’s impossible to structure it into my day because my week varies. But generally speaking, if you can, agree a time that works for your family. So, I wouldn’t do it around dinner and bedtime because towards the end of the day you guys are exhausted and you’re just trying to get them to bed. I recommend either the start of the day or the middle of the day.

But it really doesn’t matter. As long as the children know that at some point today, they’re going to get that ten minutes of one-to-one, uninterrupted, no phone in your hand time with their parent. Even if it’s just reading a book. If that’s a consistent thing that happens in their week, they’ll respond to that and that builds up the connection. So, I think the more important thing is the message rather than the structure.

And, in terms of what you play and what you do, you just follow their lead. So, I ask my daughter “What do you want to play today?” and she chooses. That’s the six-year-old. The two-year-old might not be able to choose so I might go with something I’ve seen him play with in the past or I might just read a book. He’s really into books.

And do you do ten minutes per child because, l mean, I have three.

If I had a pound for how many times I actually get asked that question! I mean, I can relate, I have two as well. Typically, yes but obviously I want to set realistic goals. In an ideal world yes but if you can’t, you can do two at a time. So, the two that get on best with each other. Three I think would be tricky but it’s not unmanageable. I think it depends on the children’s dynamic.

As long as it doesn’t turn into you having to tell them off because during that time you shouldn’t be telling them off. It should be about play not parenting. So, as long as the play activity is not instruction heavy or telling them off you can do three at a time if you feel like it’s something all three of them can enjoy and they won’t wind each other up.

OK, that’s something really practical that I’m actually going to implement. Hold me to that Kemi.

I’m going to check in on you! I’ll be like, “Have you done it, Pamela!?”

Yes, I actually need that. And, you touched on something earlier about the kids don’t need the stressed out, shouty version of you. How can you stop that part of you rearing up because the struggle is real.

You’re human and you’re allowed to shout but you need to start to build in daily, and I really do mean daily, practices where you are letting some of that steam off. Whether it’s ranting on a WhatsApp voicemail to a friend or just telling the children you need a moment.

So, if you can see yourself building up, like you can feel it coming, because sometimes I can feel it coming. Then, I’ll say, “Look, I’m getting really frustrated” or “I’m tired. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep.” And I say that to my children so that they can recognise those signs in themselves.  And I say that and I go, “I just need a moment”. And I would just step away for a moment. So long as you know that they’re safe.  I mean, I don’t leave them completely unoccupied.

But when the shouting does happen, because you can do all of that and you can still shout because you’re human, it’s just important to revisit it with them and say, “I shouted because…” And if it is because of something they’ve done, I do say that. I’ll say, “I shouted because you weren’t being nice to your brother but still, I shouldn’t have shouted. There are others ways I could have let you know that what you were doing isn’t right”. And just be real and honest so that they know and move on from it and don’t dwell on it.

And, can you undo it? If you’ve been that type of parent who has been shouty and snappy with their kids and maybe you’ve said a few things that you shouldn’t have. Is there anything you can do to make that right or is it like a lost cause?

Absolutely. Obviously, you can undo it because remember there are 24 hours in a day or 365 days in a year or 30 days in a month, whichever way you want to look at it. You’re not that shouty, unkind, said a horrible thing to my child mum all the time. They love you and you love them. And they will feel that energy and they will feel that love. And those moments of love and connection happen a lot more than we think they do. It’s when you walk past and pat them on the head. It’s when you say, “good job”. It’s when you give them a hug, It’s when you kiss them goodnight. Also, that’s filling up their bank of connection and love.

So, you will have moments of shoutingness but I honestly don’t believe, generally speaking, that that outweighs the amount of connection and love that we as parents give to our children.

But another more practical way of undoing it is just to apologise. if you’ve said something really unkind or in anger to your child you can go back and apologise and say, “No, I didn’t mean that, this is actually what I meant” So, it’s always about revisiting anything that you think you need to revisit.

The first week of February is children’s mental health week. How can us parents look after our children’s mental health? And how important is it?

I might be biased but I think it’s absolutely crucial to their future and sense of self. Just like you make sure they’re eating their food right or that they exercise; mental health is like physical health. It’s something that you can build. You can make it better or you can make it worse.

So, you can do daily practices to look after your child’s mental health and shameless plug here, I do have an online course called— Creative Ways to Improve Your Child’s Self-Esteem and Wellbeing. On that course there are a range of activities that you can do with your child, that the whole family can do, that are all mental health based.

The most common question I get about the course is “Is it for this—” People think there has to be a problem for you to invest in your child’s mental health.  That’s actually what motivated me to go on Instagram. I was like, I need to normalise talking about mental health in a way that it’s not about talking about mental health problems. There’s mental health and there are mental health problems and we need to start thinking of mental health like we think about physical health.

Your child doesn’t have to be unhealthy or something physically wrong with them for you to take them out on a walk around the park or to exercise. There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with your child for you to invest in their mental health. So, for me it’s important and we have to do it daily.

Some ways of investing in children’s mental health are: playing, talking about your feelings, my course (another shameless plug), and connecting with them.

It’s also important to make sure that at every opportunity you get, they get a chance to express themselves in a meaningful way without consequences.  So, there are times when they can get exuberant, my six-year-old is six going on sixteen. And there are times when their expressions can come with consequences. But there also has to be time when their expression is just their expression and they’re allowed to feel safe while expressing themselves.

You’ve mentioned building connection a few times now. So, is that where you mainly put your emphasis in terms of your practice and your recommendations?

Yes, absolutely. That’s where I honestly believe the work needs to be done. It’s about building connection and getting to know the child you have. And this is why I don’t necessarily subscribe to any kind of parenting style or what you see on social media because actually what you see on social media does not contain your child. Your child doesn’t come with a manual. Your child has their own personality. You have to build that connection and learn what works for them.  And also, the advantage of building connection is that then your child sees you as that soft place to land. Like they can come to you with anything including their challenges and difficulties.

And, building connection is just a case of giving them the time of day, right?

Yes, absolutely. And when I say building connection, it’s not about buying them anything. It’s not necessarily about taking them anywhere. It’s just you. And going back to what I said in the beginning, all they really want is you and positive moments with you.

You have a wealth of knowledge. So, if parents want more, if they want to book a session with you, how does that work? Are you currently taking bookings for private clients? How can people learn more?

Yes, I’m taking booking for private clients and I offer parent consultations. If there’s a particular difficulty you’re having with your child and it’s not quite therapy that you feel your child needs, if you just want a bit of guidance, I can offer that. I can also offer one-to-one therapy. My email address is therapywithkemi@kemiomijeh.com. My Instagram is @threapy_with_kemi.

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The life of an expat is often viewed as glamorous, stress-free, and full of fun, sun, and cocktails. Although living abroad often does include such elements of fine living, my experience as an expat is a lot more complex than this.

There are many positive aspects to my life in Beijing. The cost of living is significantly cheaper than the last city I lived in. I have access to career opportunities that are not so readily available in London’s saturated job market. And, I’ve found a fantastic community that has served as a family away from home. This being said, I’ve always found life as an expat challenging. Becoming an expat mum has added an extra dimension to this challenge.

I live in a land where I am an obvious foreigner. Every day I step outside I am reminded of just how much I do not blend in. This point is reinforced every time I hear the word wàiguó rén uttered as I walk down the street. This word literally means “foreigner”, and to say I hear it often is a gross understatement. I’m also reminded of my alien status when complete strangers ask me where I’m from. This is before “Hello”, “What’s your name?”, “How’s your day going?” or any of the other pleasantries that usually mark the beginning of a conversation. It seems that ascertaining where I originate from is of far greater importance than anything else.

To be fair, I’ve never had reason to interpret the attention I receive as hostile. The stares are ones of fascination rather than hatred. Yet, the attention I receive reminds me that in a city of over 20 million people, there are relatively very few people that look like me.

Beijing is an “interesting” place to be an expat. I’ve learned that If your face doesn’t fit, it’s impossible to be considered one of the pack. This is true even if a person was born and raised here and has mastered the language. It seems that being Chinese has less to do with a person’s place of birth and upbringing, and everything to do with skin colour. This is probably why whenever I tell people that my children are Chinese I’m met with a smile or sometimes even an outright laugh. One man once verbalized his comeback with the word, “bù kěnéng!” (Impossible). These responses seem harmless enough but below the surface, there’s a deeper message that is being conveyed.

My parents were born and raised in Nigeria, my husband’s parents were born and raised in Ghana and both my husband and I were born and raised in England. Our children, on the other hand, were born and are currently being raised in China. So, how exactly will they respond to this loaded question?

Incidentally, there have been a few instances of foreigners being naturalized, but generally speaking, it’s virtually impossible for anyone without Chinese ancestry to become a citizen of China. But is this really an issue of citizenship? Is the absence of a Chinese passport the only obstacle to my children being considered Chinese? What does it mean to be Chinese anyway?

When it’s all said and done, the positives of living in Beijing do seem to outweigh the negatives. Although in actual fact, our decision to live in Beijing transcends the many advantages of international living. For us, it all comes down to purpose. Put simply, for the time being Beijing is where we are meant to be.

Despite the challenges, I honestly believe that my children’s upbringing will be richer as a result of having lived abroad. It is my hope that not being allowed to fit into the homogeneous society that surrounds us, will help them own the truth that standing out from the crowd is not always a bad thing.

In our family, we believe that earth is not our ultimate home. We cling to the knowledge that we are just passing through en route to our final destination. If it’s true that we are in fact aliens in this world, then fitting in was never supposed to be part of the equation. Living as a “foreigner” in Beijing provides ample opportunity for this point to be reinforced.

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