Kemi Omijeh is a child and adolescent therapist, a mindfulness coach and a mental health consultant. She’s been working in the children’s mental health sphere for over fifteen years. Kemi is also the mother of a two-year-old and a six-year-old.

I recently had the pleasure of catching up with Kemi to discuss how parents can invest in their children’s mental health. Our conversation was punctuated with reminders of the challenges of working from home with kids in tow and culminated with my son managing to disconnect the internet. Despite the disturbances, Kemi provided incredible insight and I for one left our conversation feeling uplifted and empowered.  

Let’s get straight to the point. How can parents help their children feel loved?

Wow. I would say keep it simple. Go back to the basics. There are a lot of tips and strategies and parenting ideas out there but all children really need is you. And really, in order for you to be present for them you need to be a little bit selfish and look after yourself. So, they don’t need stressed out, or burned out you, or overwhelmed you. They need you and they need you to be present in the moment. So, do what you need to do to be ok, and to feel confident, and less tired. I’m not saying you will never be tired; you’re a parent. But look after yourself and just be present.

Also, play with them and that’s in short bursts. I can only do ten minutes at a time. And my children know that. They get one-to-one play, 100% of my attention and then I might go on to do another task. So, ten minutes a day that really isn’t anything and that builds up the connection

And talk about your feelings. Talk about how you’re feeling and then they see that you’re not trying to supress and hide anything.

The ten-minute-play-thing, that’s really helpful so how do you structure that into your day? 

For me personally, it’s impossible to structure it into my day because my week varies. But generally speaking, if you can, agree a time that works for your family. So, I wouldn’t do it around dinner and bedtime because towards the end of the day you guys are exhausted and you’re just trying to get them to bed. I recommend either the start of the day or the middle of the day.

But it really doesn’t matter. As long as the children know that at some point today, they’re going to get that ten minutes of one-to-one, uninterrupted, no phone in your hand time with their parent. Even if it’s just reading a book. If that’s a consistent thing that happens in their week, they’ll respond to that and that builds up the connection. So, I think the more important thing is the message rather than the structure.

And, in terms of what you play and what you do, you just follow their lead. So, I ask my daughter “What do you want to play today?” and she chooses. That’s the six-year-old. The two-year-old might not be able to choose so I might go with something I’ve seen him play with in the past or I might just read a book. He’s really into books.

And do you do ten minutes per child because, l mean, I have three.

If I had a pound for how many times I actually get asked that question! I mean, I can relate, I have two as well. Typically, yes but obviously I want to set realistic goals. In an ideal world yes but if you can’t, you can do two at a time. So, the two that get on best with each other. Three I think would be tricky but it’s not unmanageable. I think it depends on the children’s dynamic.

As long as it doesn’t turn into you having to tell them off because during that time you shouldn’t be telling them off. It should be about play not parenting. So, as long as the play activity is not instruction heavy or telling them off you can do three at a time if you feel like it’s something all three of them can enjoy and they won’t wind each other up.

OK, that’s something really practical that I’m actually going to implement. Hold me to that Kemi.

I’m going to check in on you! I’ll be like, “Have you done it, Pamela!?”

Yes, I actually need that. And, you touched on something earlier about the kids don’t need the stressed out, shouty version of you. How can you stop that part of you rearing up because the struggle is real.

You’re human and you’re allowed to shout but you need to start to build in daily, and I really do mean daily, practices where you are letting some of that steam off. Whether it’s ranting on a WhatsApp voicemail to a friend or just telling the children you need a moment.

So, if you can see yourself building up, like you can feel it coming, because sometimes I can feel it coming. Then, I’ll say, “Look, I’m getting really frustrated” or “I’m tired. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep.” And I say that to my children so that they can recognise those signs in themselves.  And I say that and I go, “I just need a moment”. And I would just step away for a moment. So long as you know that they’re safe.  I mean, I don’t leave them completely unoccupied.

But when the shouting does happen, because you can do all of that and you can still shout because you’re human, it’s just important to revisit it with them and say, “I shouted because…” And if it is because of something they’ve done, I do say that. I’ll say, “I shouted because you weren’t being nice to your brother but still, I shouldn’t have shouted. There are others ways I could have let you know that what you were doing isn’t right”. And just be real and honest so that they know and move on from it and don’t dwell on it.

And, can you undo it? If you’ve been that type of parent who has been shouty and snappy with their kids and maybe you’ve said a few things that you shouldn’t have. Is there anything you can do to make that right or is it like a lost cause?

Absolutely. Obviously, you can undo it because remember there are 24 hours in a day or 365 days in a year or 30 days in a month, whichever way you want to look at it. You’re not that shouty, unkind, said a horrible thing to my child mum all the time. They love you and you love them. And they will feel that energy and they will feel that love. And those moments of love and connection happen a lot more than we think they do. It’s when you walk past and pat them on the head. It’s when you say, “good job”. It’s when you give them a hug, It’s when you kiss them goodnight. Also, that’s filling up their bank of connection and love.

So, you will have moments of shoutingness but I honestly don’t believe, generally speaking, that that outweighs the amount of connection and love that we as parents give to our children.

But another more practical way of undoing it is just to apologise. if you’ve said something really unkind or in anger to your child you can go back and apologise and say, “No, I didn’t mean that, this is actually what I meant” So, it’s always about revisiting anything that you think you need to revisit.

The first week of February is children’s mental health week. How can us parents look after our children’s mental health? And how important is it?

I might be biased but I think it’s absolutely crucial to their future and sense of self. Just like you make sure they’re eating their food right or that they exercise; mental health is like physical health. It’s something that you can build. You can make it better or you can make it worse.

So, you can do daily practices to look after your child’s mental health and shameless plug here, I do have an online course called— Creative Ways to Improve Your Child’s Self-Esteem and Wellbeing. On that course there are a range of activities that you can do with your child, that the whole family can do, that are all mental health based.

The most common question I get about the course is “Is it for this—” People think there has to be a problem for you to invest in your child’s mental health.  That’s actually what motivated me to go on Instagram. I was like, I need to normalise talking about mental health in a way that it’s not about talking about mental health problems. There’s mental health and there are mental health problems and we need to start thinking of mental health like we think about physical health.

Your child doesn’t have to be unhealthy or something physically wrong with them for you to take them out on a walk around the park or to exercise. There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with your child for you to invest in their mental health. So, for me it’s important and we have to do it daily.

“There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with your child for you to invest in their mental health.”

Kemi Omijeh

Some ways of investing in children’s mental health are: playing, talking about your feelings, my course (another shameless plug), and connecting with them.

It’s also important to make sure that at every opportunity you get, they get a chance to express themselves in a meaningful way without consequences.  So, there are times when they can get exuberant, my six-year-old is six going on sixteen. And there are times when their expressions can come with consequences. But there also has to be time when their expression is just their expression and they’re allowed to feel safe while expressing themselves.

You’ve mentioned building connection a few times now. So, is that where you mainly put your emphasis in terms of your practice and your recommendations?

Yes, absolutely. That’s where I honestly believe the work needs to be done. It’s about building connection and getting to know the child you have. And this is why I don’t necessarily subscribe to any kind of parenting style or what you see on social media because actually what you see on social media does not contain your child. Your child doesn’t come with a manual. Your child has their own personality. You have to build that connection and learn what works for them.  And also, the advantage of building connection is that then your child sees you as that soft place to land. Like they can come to you with anything including their challenges and difficulties.

And, building connection is just a case of giving them the time of day, right?

Yes, absolutely. And when I say building connection, it’s not about buying them anything. It’s not necessarily about taking them anywhere. It’s just you. And going back to what I said in the beginning, all they really want is you and positive moments with you.

You have a wealth of knowledge. So, if parents want more, if they want to book a session with you, how does that work? Are you currently taking bookings for private clients? How can people learn more?

Yes, I’m taking booking for private clients and I offer parent consultations. If there’s a particular difficulty you’re having with your child and it’s not quite therapy that you feel your child needs, if you just want a bit of guidance, I can offer that. I can also offer one-to-one therapy. My email address is therapywithkemi@kemiomijeh.com. My Instagram is @threapy_with_kemi.